Intemission: Christmas Gone Wrong

I remember when it happened, the first time the idea crossed my mind.

It as a number of years ago. We had taken the day off from work to go Christmas shopping. I don’t quite remember where we were – the Hallmark Store, perhaps? – when I saw it:

All I could think was, “WHY??” I get that not every Christmas ornament needs to be on theme, but they’re usually Christmas-adjacent: toys or winter scenes or… I don’t know, NOT armored battle vehicles used primarily to blow opposing humans to smithereens.

Yet, here it was: a Christmas ornament of an army tank. And then it occurred to me that this kind of thing doesn’t just happen on a fluke, that this isn’t one guy who is really into tanks making ornaments to fulfill his military fetish. No, this was the work of an entire team of people. I imagine a whole bunch of suits around a boardroom table, brainstorming what might be the Next Big Thing for the upcoming Christmas season, and one suit with a healthy amount of office muscle suggesting “How ‘bout army tanks?” to which everyone blindly agreed.

I didn’t buy that tank ornament. But I did buy the next ornament that melted my brain with its mere existence.

This has blossomed into an entire Christmas tree dedicated entirely to ridiculous and inexplicable ornaments. I’m only into my second year of putting this together and I’m still growing my collection, but it’s the Season of Giving and if I can’t give you the gift to things that are mindboggling (be they movies or physical products), then what exactly am I doing here?

So here it is, my Splendiferous Christmas Tree. Enjoy!

YE-HAW! A single piece of footwear – merry Christmas! You know, I could understand an ornament of an entire cowboy or cowgirl, but just a lone boot… what happened? Is there a foot in that boot? Now that would make for a memorable holiday.

I’d like to remind you that a whole team of professionals sat around a table dreaming up Christmas ornament ideas when someone said, “What about a boot?” And they ran with it.

 

This is one of the most intentionally Christmas-y ornament on my tree, but c’mon, look at this thing. It’s just so… lascivious. And upsettingly so.. The posture, the come-hither look, the lack of pants. I don’t know what’s going on with this mouse, but it’s not family-friendly.

Ah yes, nothing says, “Welcome home for the holidays” quite like a bucket of fried chicken. Again, I could get my head around a branded bucket of friend chicken ornament from like KFC or Chick-fil-A, but that’s not what we have here. No, we have unaffiliated chicken. Agnostic chicken, if you will.

Also: Some art director took a look at the original mock-up for this ornament and said, “Need more glitter.”

This was a gift from my daughters last year, fitting for the splendiferous tree. Also, I’ve reached an age where this would be my first destination after polishing off a bucket of fried chicken.

 

This might be my favorite ornament. No matter how many strange, inappropriate or inexplicable ornaments I get for this tree, I’ll always have room for “ornament.”

 

And just in case you were wondering how one tops a tree like this…

Hope you have a very splendiferous Christmas!

nolahn