Modern Cult Classics: Demolition Man

Directed by Marco Brambilla, 1993, 115 minutes, Rated R
“We’re police officers! We’re not trained to handle this kind of violence!”

 

Any fool with a camera can make a post-apocalyptic dystopia. You go out to a rock quarry or a nice stretch of desert, get some bad haircuts and some leather, forget to shave for a couple days, and you’re good to go.

Utopians are tougher – you need lots of shiny things. A dystopian utopia calls for a high degree of difficulty. But a dystopian utopia action film starring Sylvester Stallone? That’s be inconceivable if it weren’t for Demolition Man.

Then again, Demolition Man starts off rather dystopian-y, with a pessimistic view of what the Clinton Era might look like. We open in a version of 1996 Las Angeles where the Hollywood sign can be set on fire and no one cares. Is this supposed to be the future from the Terminator series? It’s like the Rodney King riots never stopped. 

THIS! IS! SPARTAN!

Supercop Sly Stallone – or “John Spartan,” as he’s called here – puts on a sporty beret and prepares to singlehandedly take on a burning building full of baddies. “Takes a maniac to catch a maniac,” Sly Stallones before bungee-jumping out of a helicopter. Clearly, John Spartan is not lacking in confidence.

After punching Terrorism in the face, Spartan comes toe to toe with world-class maniac Simon Phoenix (a blonde Wesley Snipes, a look that inspired Denis Rodman). Smart remarks are exchanged. Predictably, it all ends with Sly running away from big, big explosions in slow-motion. Bad news though: Spartan not only leveled the whole building, he didn’t quite get around to rescuing the hostages. Whoopsie! Now convicted of manslaughter, Spartan is stripped nude, tossed into a giant petri dish and flash-frozen, where he is to remain a Stalloncycle for the next 70 years.

Simon Phoenix also gets the freeze-dried treatment, only his sentence is for “eternity.” And by “eternity,” I mean he gets a parole hearing in 2032. Phoenix surprises the parole board by somehow knowing the password to unlock his shackles. Also, he now knows kung-fu.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “If I was in the year 2032 or some Rodman-esque guy started trying to karate kick me, I’d shoot him with my space laser!” Well, welcome to the dystopian utopia of Demolition Man’s 2032: Everything is shiny and happy and filled with shiny, happy people. Voice-controlled cars! Graffiti-proof walls! Rob Schneider is employed! Yes, it’s a particularly hellish sort of utopia.

In a world full of crime-free positivity, Sandra Bullock’s Officer Huxley – literary! – longs for some “real action.” But when real action arrives in the form of the freshly thawed Simon Phoenix, who leaves a trail of redundant “murder-death-kills” in his wake, it becomes clear that the police force isn’t equipped to deal with it.

Seriously? I could buy that crime is way down, that no one has had to deal with a lunatic like Simon Phoenix in years. I could buy that, if I try really, really hard. But to believe that the world of 2032 is so toothless, so neutered that society has completely eradicated all forms of anger, aggression and violence… that law enforcement has institutionally forgotten? That’s a bit much.

But it does lead to the police melting the Stalloncycle, so whatever.

So Spartan is thawed out under the logic that “it takes an old fashioned cop to catch an old fashioned criminal.” The only one not onboard is the police chief, which is strange because you’d think that if you were going to release and immediately deputize a felon, you’d need the blessing of the police chief. Not here! The police chief – who is like a bald John Hodgeman – spends the entire film bitching at Spartan and calling him a Neanderthal. Which is pretty crappy, when you think about it. That’d be like if a guy from 1983 time-traveled to today and the first thing you did was make fun of him for not being able to use a smartphone.

Stay classy, Taco Bell

Yes, we get a full service of “fish out of water” gags as we watch Stallone “react” to the Schwarzenegger Presidential Library and fine dining at Taco Bell. There’s a whole thing where toilet paper has been replaced with three seashells that plays like the screenwriter’s own inside joke.

I seem to have gotten off-track, because there’s a lot more to Demolition Man than bad jokes, cheeky satire and faux Asian attire: ‘90s action sequences! Snipes is allowed to go full Batman villain, complete with mixin’-n-scratchin’ effects for some hip hop flava. Snipes and Stallone exchange gunfire and quips, then blow up everything. Also, Denis Leary shows up to do parts of his stand-up schtick. It is the ‘90s, after all.

It’s all good. Nothing out of the box in terms of action, but it’s silly and over-the-top and plenty fun. Except for Sting’s ear-bleedingly terrible song during the end credits. Seriously, that song is a crime worthy of flash-freezing Sting for eternity.

 

***