Directed by Hal Needham, 1982, 100 minutes, Rated PG
“The good guys always win – even in the ‘80s!”
There are some movies that play out like something dreamed up by a child. It’s easy to imagine a bunch of studio execs in a boardroom, furiously scribbling notes as a seven-year-old boy excitedly telling his story: “And then! And then! And then!” These movies don’t have traditional character arcs or story structure – they often don’t even make a lot of sense – but that’s a lot of the charm.
Megaforce is exactly that kind of movie.
This is a sci-fi film made in the wake of Star Wars, so we open with text:
Despite official denials by leaders of the free world, sources now confirm the existence of Megaforce, a phantom army of super elite fighting men whose weapons are the most powerful science can devise. Their mission… to preserve freedom and justice by battling the forces of tyranny and evil in every corner of the globe.
I have thoughts. 1) I do love how they’re not just elite but super elite. 2) I can’t wait to find out what the most powerful weapons a late ‘70s screenwriter could imagine might look like. 3) Do globes have corners?
The opening credits are a treat, too. Starring Barry Bostwick! Xanadu’s Michael Beck! That Bald Lady from the very first Star Trek movie! All-pro baddie Henry Silva! The names splash across the screen as the soundtrack pew-pews its way through ink-blotted footage from the film. And you’ll be thrilled to know that everything is “Filmed in IntroVision.” Exciting!
After a brief tank battle, a fussy and vaguely Michael Caine-ish British General and Major Zara (the no-longer folliclely challenged That Bald Lady from the very first Star Trek movie), daughter of the President of Madeupistan, are dropped off in the middle of nowhere. They’re met by Dallas (Michael Beck with an outrageous southern accent). Dallas McConaugheys it up as he takes them to Megaforce’s secret underground headquarters.
Along the way, we get a display of Megaforce’s mega-awesomeness. Triumphant music plays as the men of Megaforce ride out in formation! They’re on pseudo-futuristic motorcycles with a comical amount of rockets and machine guns! They’re wearing skin-tight copper spandex uniforms! They’re popping frickin’ wheelies so they can shoot balloons with the machine guns on their motorcycles! And I haven’t even mentioned the tricked-out dune buggies!
But this movie is just getting warmed up! One of the hot-doggers comes sauntering up to General British and Major Zara, pulls off his motorcycle helmet and shakes loose his glorious mane of feathered hair. It’s Barry Bostwick! A bearded, headbanded, glam rock Jesus of a Barry Bostwick named – I shit you not – ACE HUNTER. Exactly what you’d imagine as the commander of a super elite army. Bostwick was cast based off his stage performance in The Pirates of Penzance, and it shows.
Ace Hunter takes us on a tour of the Megaforce facilities, a massive underground base filled with the latest, cutting-edge technology. It’s not all rocket-laden motorcycles though. Megaforce also monitors every conversation in every military installation around the world and has “a profile on everybody in the world that they deem important.” Well that’s… unsettling. Megaforce is one bad day and a chrome-masked leader away from being Cobra.
But hey, if you’re getting creeped out by Megaforce, you’ll be pleased to know that the group is also outfitted with stereotypes from just about every continent.
Finally, we get to brass tacks: General British and Major Zara want Megaforce to run a surgical strike on the forces of Notrealistan, the warlike next-door neighbor to Madeupistan. The backbone of the Notrealistan army is an elite tank division led by Duke Gurerra (Henry Silva, hamming it up). And wouldn’t you know it, Gurerra and Hunter are old war buddies from back in the day.
Ace Hunter cooks up an overly elaborate plan, and everyone jumps into action. There are spurts of drama, but they’re amusingly short-lived. Will Major Zara be able to go into battle with Megaforce? Ha ha no. Will Gurerra’s wormy second-in-command ruin Megaforce’s plans when he stumbles upon their secret supply station? Ha ha no. Will we get the grooviest skydiving sequence ever? Oh hell yeah!
The second half of the film is devoted to Ace Hunter’s ingenious plan, and two things are immediately obvious about Megaforce: 1) They spent some serious coin on this film. This movie features lots of helicopter shots, lots of practical stunts, and lots of explosions; and 2) Shooting big battle scenes is a bit beyond stuntman-turned-director Hal Needham’s skill set. Manic car chases through rural America? No problem! Land war in Asia? Eh… it all becomes an endless mishmash of blazing muzzles and explosions.
And yet, not a single casualty. I get that Megaforce was going for something more lighthearted than the typical war film – and in our era of making everything “gritty,” I’m not going to complain – but the A-Team-style action in a large-scale battle comes off a bit ridiculous.
Then again, just about everything in Megaforce is ridiculous. Let me remind you again that this is the head of a “super elite” fighting force named Ace Hunter:
The very concept of Megaforce is ridiculous. The romance between Ace Hunter and Major Zara is ridiculous. The dialog is ridiculous. Michael Beck’s accent is ridiculous. The overall message of the film, directly quoted as “the good guys always win – even in the ‘80s,” is ridiculous.
And then the ridiculousness is cranked up to 11 with Ace Hunter’s dramatic flying motorcycle sequence, which I will now gleefully spoil for you because you really, really, really need to see it:
I’m not just giving this film four asterisks…
****
… I’m giving it the Ace Hunter Seal of Approval.
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