Bargain Bin Review: Teen Witch

Directed by Dorian Walker, 1989, 94 minutes, Rated PG-13
Top That!

 

I know you kids these days like to complain about the copycat nature of Hollywood, but here’s a pro-tip: That ain’t new.

Let me take you back to that Reagan-y year of 1985. Michael J. Fox was having a grand ol’ time: The TV show Family Ties had made him a household name, and he was starred in a trio of movies. The first was a TV movie called Poison Ivy, not to be confused with the sexy thriller with Drew Barrymore from 1992. The second was a little film called Back to the Future – you may have heard of that one.

The third was Teen Wolf, not as big of a hit as Back to the Future, but still very well-received. Teen Wolf begat Teen Wolf Too with Jason Bateman, and is it any wonder that studios execs started looking for “Teen Wolf with a girl”?

And that takes us to day’s film, 1989’s Teen Witch. It’s a lot like Teen Wolf, but without Michael J. Fox or all the basketball or the copious amounts of body hair or the van surfing.

True Story: First time I saw 'Teen Wolf' was on video with my dad. During the first car surfing scene, he leaned over to me and said with stone-cold seriousness, "If I ever hear about you doing this, I will kill you." I never challenged him on that.

 

Teen Witch somehow opens with the most ‘80s music video ever made. It’s all moody lighting and wind machines, people walking in slow motion and saxophones. Lots and lots of saxophones. Turns out this is all a steamy dream of teenage Louise (Robyn Lively). Louise is just a typical teenage girl, with a slobby little brother, a bookish BFF and a huge crush on the captain of the football team.

On the other hand, Louise’s high school is anything buy typical. The place is basically what ‘80s ad executives imagined teenage life was like. Everyone’s doing BMX tricks on the front steps of the school and spitting out lyrics in the hallways, pert cheerleaders are breaking out into dance routines and singing about how much they like boys, snooty English teachers are humiliating students in their class because reasons… you get the idea.

At the end of Louise’s No Good Very Bad Day, she stumbles upon the house of a medium played by Zelda Rubinstein of Poltergeist fame. Upon reading Louise’s palm, Zelda discovers that Louise is actually a werewolf witch and will start getting her werewolf witch powers on her 16^th birthday. Sure enough – and I’m cutting a lot out here – she does. It’s a good thing that Louise’s dad is played by Dick Sargent, who knows a thing or two about witches.

So what does a teenaged underdog do with her new-found magical abilities? Zelda is the first to suggest she get revenge on those who has tormented her over the years. That led me to think that Zelda was up to something, and that the movie would build up to revealing that Zelda is evil and wants to use Louise for her own nefarious schemes. And… no.

Instead, Louise shows a great deal of restraint with her powers for much of the film. Yes, she does play some magic-fueled pranks on her nasty English teacher and the bitchy head cheerleader, but it’s not like she turns either of them into a newt. She also uses her powers to do good things for her friends, like giving her BFF the confidence to make the world’s first Epic Rap Battle:

Eventually, Louise gets the terrible, terrible idea to cast a spell that would make her The Most Popular Girl in School, making the film like every ‘80s high school movie ever: Louise gets the bo-hunk’s attention, starts hanging with the cool kids… and blowing off her real friends. We’ve seen this script a million times before, usually done better.

But whatever.

Because if you’re watching Teen Witch for its intricate plotting or fine cinematic craftsmanship, you have more problems than I can address in a single article. Teen Witch is a sloppy, careening mess. On the plus side, Teen Witch is a sloppy, careening mess of campiness and ‘80s concentrate – the only film I can think of that might be more ‘80s is Miami Connection. And while Teen Witch isn’t anywhere near as outrageous as Miami Connection, there’s a lot of fun to be had with it. Top that!

 

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