Hail to the King

“There are only two kinds of people in the world: Beatles people and Elvis people. Now Beatles people can like Elvis and Elvis people can like the Beatles, but nobody likes them both equally. Somewhere you have to make a choice. And that choice tells you who you are.”

-Deleted scene from Pulp Fiction

 

I usually detest “there are only two kinds of people” proclamations (they’re so… binary), but I find this one to be generally true. You’re either Team Beatles or Team Elvis. Even if you’ve never thought about it til this very moment, you just know.

Me? I’m an Elvis guy. Was there any doubt? I choose to watch and review bad movies. You can’t indulge in that kind of cheese and not have an appreciation for the kind of sweaty sequenced jumpsuits and deep mumblings that are often associated with Elvis. Hell, this here is one of my most prized possessions (acquired at a Salvation Army many years ago for only a couple of bucks) – and yes, it is velvet.

Capital-A Art

I’m old enough to remember seeing the announcement on TV Guide that Elvis had passed away. That always struck me: He’s on the cover of TV Guide – he must be Very Important. I’ve also fired up some authentic fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches just like The King used to have, and I can understand why he passed away at such a young age. I’ve even dressed up as Elvis for Halloween.

Despite that lead-up, it took a bit of convincing to get me to see Elvis when it hit the theaters earlier this year. I was already suspicious that this biopic would basically be a straight-faced version of Walk Hard, and I didn’t know what to think of the story being told from the perspective of Col. Tom Parker as a discount Bond villain – even if he was played by Tom Hanks. But my daughters saw it in the theater and LOVED it. It was a near religious experience for them (they’re teenagers and Austin Butler gives maximum smolder throughout, which might explain things). As for me? I paused the film five minutes in, verified that this was indeed a Baz Luhmann film, and then allowed the visual Tourette’s wash over me.

Afterwards it occurred to me that, somehow, I’d never seen an Elvis movie.

Oh, I’d seen plenty of movies with a version of Elvis in them – Forrest Gump, Walk the Line, Walk Hard, True Romance, Bubba Ho-Tep, Six-String Samurai and the Zombieland sequel – but not a movie actually starring Elvis Presley. Fortunately, that’s easy to fix in the age of streaming…

Directed by Richard Thorpe, 1957, 96 minutes, Rated G
Guilty of bait-and-switch in the first degree.

So this all seemed very straightforward: You have Elvis, you have a prison setting, you have the fun little ditty that is Jailhouse Rock. I imagined this movie would essentially be a highly sanitized version of The Shawshank Redemption, swapping all the quiet accounting with jaunty musical numbers. Makes sense, right? After all, the title of the film is Jailhouse Rock.

The film certainly starts down that path. In the opening minutes, construction worker Vince Everett (Presley) defends a woman’s honor during happy hour and ends up in prison for manslaughter because he punched the guy too damn hard. His cellmate, Hunk (Mickey Shaughnessy), is an aspiring kingpin who breaks down life behind bars thusly:

“I’m an animal in a jungle and I got a motto: Do unto others as they would do to you, only do it first.”

(I’d love to see that sold on a wooden sign at Bed Bath & Beyond)

Hunk and Vince bond over music, and Vince is somehow in awe at the idea that someone can make a living as a musician. Vince shows himself to be a natural (because, you know, Elvis), and Hunk even gives him a plum spot a prison talent show that it televised for some reason. Vince is a huge hit (because, you know, Elvis), though Hunk hides the metric ton of fan mail sent to Vince out of jealousy. Also, there’s a brief riot in the mess hall and Vince gets whipped (!!) for socking a guard.

And then, Vince is released from prison. No more jailhousing – and we’re just barely 20 minutes into the film.

The rest of Jailhouse Rock plays out as a fictional account of Elvis’ rise to fame: He immediately charms music promoter Peggy Van Alden (Judy Tyler), cuts an amazing record on only the second take, decides to start his own record label with Peggy, and is an immediate sensation. And that’s… fine, but it definitely feels like a bait-and-switch. This is not the storyline I was promised.

Much of the film is padded out with the romantic tension between Vince and Peggy, which would be fine if Elvis didn’t spend so much time doing a James Dean impression. His Vince is something of a brute: childish, quick-tempered, fixated on getting rich, and seemingly only cares about Peggy when she’s with another guy. I get the impulse to have Elvis Presley play a simmering bad boy, but Vince is just a simmering dolt.

Not to say the film is without its charms. The music, unsurprisingly, is great. “Don’t Leave Me Now” is pretty fantastic, “(You’re So Square) Baby I Don’t Care” is definitely the most Elvis-y of the performances, and the “Jailhouse Rock” scene is straight-up iconic.

 

That said, what is this movie? The whole jailhouse element barely registers. I thought perhaps something would happen to land Vince back in jail in the end – at times, he deserves it – but no. Hunk does come back in the final third only for Vince to crap all over him. When Hunk has finally had it and gives Vince a beating, he accidentally punches Vince in the throat. That puts Vince’s career in jeopardy… for about five minutes. He’s fine, Vince and Hunk make peace, Vince and Peggy are in love now, the end.

I’ve been trying to determine what the point of all this was. What is Jailhouse Rock trying to say? Getting famous is easy? There’s more to life than money? Don’t treat the people in your life like crap or they’ll punch you in the throat? At least that one has a ring of truth to it.

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